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 Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is
           wet.
 
 Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to
         wrong part of face.
 
 Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.
            Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking
            technique is perfect.
  
 
 Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually
           pale and clear. 
 
 Fault : Glass is empty. 
 
 Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. 
  
 
 Symptom : Feet cold and wet. 
 
 Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
 
 Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. 
  
 
 Symptom : Feet warm and wet. 
 
 Fault : Loss of self-control. 
 
 Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while
            complain to its owner about its lack of house training. 
  
 
 Symptom : Lap cool and wet. 
 
 Fault : Drooling on yourself. 
 
 Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone
            else. 
  
 Symptom : Bar blurred.
 
 Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
 
 Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint. 
  
 
 Symptom :Bar moving. 
 
 Fault : You are being carried out. 
 
 Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not
            complain loudly that you are being hijacked. 
  
 
 Sympton : Bar looks like a circus. 
 
 Fault : You're at a circus. 
 
 Solution : Go to a bar. 
  
 
 Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has
           a fluorescent strip across it. 
 
 Fault : You have fallen over backwards. 
 
 Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
            drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you
            up and lash you to the bar. 
  
 
 Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of
           teeth and cigarette butts. 
 
 Fault : You have fallen over forwards. 
 
 Solution : Same as for falling over backwards. 
  
 
 Symptom : Everything has gone dim. 
 
 Fault : The pub is closing. 
 
 Solution : PANIC!!

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