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 Dear Bank Manager,
 
 I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
 endeavored to pay my plumber last month.  By my calculations some
 three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the
 check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor
 it.  I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
 entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
 place for eight years.
 
 You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
 opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
 penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.  My
 thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
 caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.  You have set me
 on the path of fiscal righteousness.
 
 No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
 incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as
 my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.
  I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be
 excited and proud to hear it.
 
 To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
 
 First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
 telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am
 confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
 faceless entity which your bank has become.  From now on I, like
 you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
 
 My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
 longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
 addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
 branch, whom you must nominate.  You will be aware that it is an
 offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
 envelope.
 
 Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
 require our chosen employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to
 eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as
 your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.  Please note
 that all copies of his or her medical history must be
 countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
 details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
 liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
 
 In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
 he/she must quote in all dealings with me.  I regret that it
 cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on
 the number of button presses required to access my account
 balance on your phone bank service.  As they say, imitation is
 the sincerest form of flattery.
 
 Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
 my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
 yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with
 whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will
 be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the
 phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
 
 1.  To make an appointment to see me
 
 2.  To query a missing repayment
 
 3.  To make a general complaint or inquiry
 
 4.  To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
 Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call
 is received;
 
 5.  To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still
 sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the
 call is received;
 
 6.  To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
 nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
 call is received.
 
 7.  To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at
 home.
 
 8.  To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a
 password to access my computer is required. Password will be
 communicated at a later date to the contact.
 
 9.  To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
 through 8.
 
 The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
 automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
 lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This
 month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
 
 "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And
 the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"
 
 After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably
 know it by heart.  On a more serious note, we come to the matter
 of cost.
 
 As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
 efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been
 quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
 some costs back.
 
 First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me.
 This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your
 nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time
 spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in
 the matter of the penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be
 passed back to you.
 
 My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody
 Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to
 keep your inquiries brief and to the point.   Regrettably, but
 again following your example, I must also levy an establishment
 fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
 
 May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
 Year.
 
 Your humble client

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