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 To My Dear Wife,
 
 During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
 I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't
 succeed often.
 
    1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
    2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
    3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
    4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
    5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
    6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
    7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
    8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
    9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
    10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
    11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
    12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
    13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
    14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
    15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
    16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
    17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times
 
 Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
 because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that
 there was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up
 and get it over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you
 that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because
 I felt you move.
 
 
 To My Dear Husband,
 
 I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are
 the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.
 
    1. Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat. . . . . 15 times
    2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
    3. Did not cum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
    4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
    5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . .33 times
    6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
    7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
    8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . 29 times
    9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
    10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
    11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . .3 times
    12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . .3 times
    13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . 2 times
    14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . .16 times
    15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
    16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times
 
 
 Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was
 because you were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the
 crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my
 back or kneeling.
 
 The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying
 to breathe!!

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